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Monday, May 08, 2006

A three course meal gathered from the Goren

The appetizer - served by the Chazon Ish:

"This fellow does not know how to learn, and we will yet suffer Tzaros from him" [Chazon Ish]

The main course - served by the Steipler Gaon:

"In the elections in a city in Poland, most of the delegates elected were irreligious, as was the Rosh HaKahal. One of the clerks of the community approached them and told them: 'The Rabbis make Halachic decisions based on the Shulchan Aruch, without taking the opinion of the delegates and the Rosh HaKahal into account at all, and yet you keep silent. Select me, and I will arrange Piskei Halachah in accordance with your wishes. And the matter was good in the eyes of the Rosh HaKahal and the delegates and "they made the tree".

No more than a few days passed, and the new official received an order that on the morrow there will be a court case against Ploni ben Ploni with forged papers and false witnesses. The official was to make certain, at all costs, that all of the contracts and documents that were to be presented before him by the prosecutor be validated. The Rabbi responded: "Do not worry, I am at your disposal".

And on the morrow, the "Rabbi" took his two youths, the bearers of his weapons, and he clothed them in the garb of Dayyanim and he went to the community gathering place to adjudicate, as per his orders. The prosecutor came before him and he presented his claims against PB"P, and he presented papers and documents as evidence. The defendant said that all this never happened, I never had any business with the claimant and it is all a lie and a forgery. And the Rabbi stated: "We have the documents before us! How dare you lie before the Great Beis Din!"

PB"P looked at the documents and he saw that the witnesses who had signed upon these documents were famous Ganavim from the underworld. And he said to the "Rabbi": 'These are false witnesses, famous Ganavim, and no Beis Din ever accepts their words, and every infant knows that for a few pennies they sign anything they are asked to sign, and they are complete Reshaim!"

And the "Rabbi" responded - how dare you spread malicious lies on Kosher Jews, and how did you dare suggest that I disqualify them based on what infants say! Chas VeSholom! Go and bring witnesses that they are Passul for testimony!"

So the defendant PB"P went and brought many witnesses that they consistently eat in non-Kosher restaurants of Goyim, where they serve Neveilos and Tereifos. And this "Rabbi" of ours responded: "Chas VeSholom! I say that the Goy who owns the restaurant certainly buys Kosher meat by Jewish butchers so as not to cause his Jewish customers to transgress.
PB"P saw what kind of "Rabbi" he is dealing with, and he went and found witnesses who saw with their own eyes that the non-Jewish proprietor of the restaurant killed a Davar Acher (pig) and from that defiled carcass those witnesses who signed the documents had partaken.
And the Rabbi responded: "How do you know that it is Davar Acher, I say that it was a "Koy". Can you testify that it was not a "Koy"? After all, you have never seen a "Koy" in your lives!"
One of the Dayyanim asked his colleague, in a whisper: "What is a Koy?" And the other responded, in a whisper: "So should I know from all the Tzaros in the world like I know what a Koy is". Our "Rabbi" heard their conversation, and he wanted to show them that he was a Lamdan, so he told them: "A Koy is a male goat that mates with a chicken and their offspring is some sort of Mamzer".
PB"P saw what kind of "Rabbi" he is dealing with, so he went and got many people who saw these witnesses eating, on Yom Kippur night, after Maariv, two kg. of bread and five bottles of shnapps.
Our "Rabbi" said: "I think there must be some mistake, the story was not on Yom Kippur night but on the first night of Pesach after the Seder, for how can it be that Kosher Jews would eat on Yom Kippur night".
And the "Rabbi" added, that even if it was on Yom Kippur, it is still not clear that they are disqualified, for perhaps they ate less than the Shiur. "Does anyone here know what the Shiur for eating on Yom Kippur which will make one liable for Kares is?". One of the people there answered that the Shiur is a Kakosseves Hagassah (a large date)".
Said our "Rabbi": "That's what I meant! Who knows how large "Gassah" is? I say that it is a very very large date, as we say, "Beheimah Gassah" (A large animal). And if you will ask, what is the connection between a Kosseves HaGassah and a Behemah Gassah, I have a proof from a Yerushalmi (which I found in Encyclopedia Talmudis) that we learn the laws of Succah from the laws of "pourable mud".
PB"P wanted to bring more witnesses to testify about these other witnesses that they are completely Passul. Said the Rabbi: "I am closing the discussion, for the matter has gone on for too long". And he wrote and signed with his own handwriting, that after delving into the matter and hearing all the testimony it has become clear to him that the document is Kosher even for the Mehadrin Min HaMehadrin". [Karyana De'Iggarata, the Steipler Gaon, vol. 1 , Simman 248]
(Who says the Steipler didn't have a sense of humor?)
Dessert - served by the Tchebiner Rav:
He is a Baki in all parts of the Shulchan Aruch:
In Orach Chaim, he knows that if you make a Shehakol on anything you are Yotzei.
In Yoreh Deah, he knows about Bittul BeShishim.
In Even HaEzer, he knows about Afkeinhu Rabbanan LeKidushei Minei.
In Choshen Mishpat, he knows about Hefker Beis Din Hefker.

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